Bereavement
Bereavement
When a child dies
Losing a baby or a child is a very deep and painful trial. No parent expects to experience such a loss. When a child dies, the parents’ hearts are broken, and their lives change forever.
During this difficult time, parents may feel many emotions: deep sadness, anger, confusion, and sometimes even guilt. They may ask questions like, “Why?” or “Could I have done something different?” These thoughts are normal. They are part of the journey of grief.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is an act of courage. Even if the pain never completely disappears, it is possible to move forward slowly, one day at a time, keeping love alive in your heart.
Silence, memories, love
One of the hardest things is the silence of others. Friends and family may not know what to say. Sometimes they are afraid of causing more pain by speaking about the child. Yet parents often need to say their child’s name, to share memories, and to speak about how much their child was loved.
Memories can hurt deeply: the bedroom, the toys, the clothes, the photos. Some parents cannot enter their child’s room for a while. Others find comfort in keeping special objects. There is no single right way to grieve. Each person moves forward at their own pace.
Even though the child is no longer physically present, love does not disappear. A parent’s love continues to live in their heart. Many people find comfort in their faith, in prayer, in meditation or in their spiritual traditions. Others find strength in nature, in music or in shared memories. Each person can look for light where they find it.
Asking for help
It is very important not to stay alone with your suffering. Speaking with a spiritual leader, religious guide, doctor, psychologist, or counselor can help. Support groups can also bring great comfort. Being with other parents who have lived through the same loss helps them feel less alone.
Loved ones can support by being present with respect and gentleness. Sometimes careful listening, simple words, or a caring gesture can bring a little peace in the pain.
As we have already mentioned, asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It is an act of courage. Even if the pain never completely disappears, it is possible to move forward slowly, one day at a time, keeping love alive in your heart.
Resources on bereavement
General resources
- CLSC
Parents are often referred to their local CLSC, where professionals can provide grief counseling. If you have not been referred, contact your CLSC and ask for the psychosocial support service. To find the CLSC closest to you, visit the Répertoire des ressources en santé et services sociaux and enter your postal code. - Montreal Children’s Hospital
The Palliative Care Department has a section on grief and several links to booklets and websites. - MUHC
Grieving – A guide for your family and your friends - Baby’s Breath Foundation
Child Loss Grief Journal - The Lighthouse
The Lighthouse provides pediatric palliative care services, including bereavement follow-up.
La Lanterne du Phare : Centre d’accompagnement du deuil Racanelli
2725 Mont-Royal Avenue East
Montreal, Quebec H1Y 0A1
Telephone: 514 954-4848
Toll free: 1 866 954-4848
[email protected]
How to talk to other children about grief
- Making Room for a Child’s Grief – MUHC
- Grieving – A guide for your family and your friends – MUHC (pages 33-46 deal with children’s grief)
- Talking with kids and teens about serious illness, dying and death – Kids Grief
- How children and teens experience bereavement – Gouvernement du Québec
Letter to the child that has gone
We sang nursery rhymes: “Ring-around-the-Rosy… London Bridge is falling down… Frère Jacques”… And then, we waited for the rabbit that comes and visits sometimes, but he didn’t show up. He’s shy and, for sure, our noisy celebration kept him away.
A stone engraved to your name as if to make sure that we wouldn’t forget you, as if we ever could, as if we needed anything to bring you back to our memory, as if we’d ever been apart. Millions of smells, sensations, echoes of your laughter and tears forever alive in my heart, my ears, my nostrils, sticking to my skin. And so many images of you, the center of my life, brutally taken away from me. I could almost have held it against you for depriving me of your sweet smile, of the weight of your head on my shoulder, of the pudgy star of your hand pressed against my cheek, knotted in my hair.
For months afterwards, I would hear you calling for me in the night, and I would run and collide against your bedroom door, closed upon your treasures: Brahms lullaby spelled out in tiny notes among a silent circle of stuffed animals. What else was left to me? In a trunk, fluffy little pajamas in tender green and white stripes, still permeated with warm smells of milk, talcum powder and an undefinable undernote of something like freshly cut hay; a duckling at the end of a rubber band and two story books whose heroes’ names were the same as yours.
Lost forever that delightful drowsiness preceding sleep in which I would abandon myself to the pure pleasure of thinking about you, asleep already in your room. Lost the rapturous anticipation of reliving my childhood along with yours. Now, in my insomnia, nothing but desolation for that childhood stolen away from you.
Your brothers ate the cookies and drank the lemonade we’d brought along. And after telling them stories, I sang your lullaby, the one thing I never shared with them. Then we left. Your brothers, in their blond innocence, running away, laughing and tripping one another. They didn’t even know of your existence yet. We had just celebrated your sixth anniversary.
Andrée Laganière
Mother of Jeremy Rill
Information for family and friends
We know that losing a child is very difficult. To help your friends and family understand how best to support you, you can suggest that they read the texts in this section. These texts offer simple guidance on what they can do, what they should avoid, and how to respect your beliefs and emotions.
Reading them can help your friends and family understand how to be there for you, listen, and offer support with patience and compassion. Having people around you who understand how to support you can make grieving feel a little less overwhelming.
We have also prepared a printable version that you can share with family and friends: Quick guide to support parents after the loss of a child
What loved ones can do after the loss of a child
Be present. The presence of family and friends matters a lot. Sometimes, it is not necessary to speak. Being there, sitting in silence, holding a hand, or giving a hug can bring comfort. Parents may feel very alone in their grief. Knowing they are not alone can help them a little each day.
Help with daily life. Preparing a meal, buying groceries, caring for other children, or helping with housework are simple but very helpful actions. When someone is grieving deeply, even small tasks can feel very hard.
Listen and respect emotions. Parents may want to talk about their child, share memories, or express their sadness, anger, or confusion. We should listen without judging and without trying to fix everything. Saying “I am here for you” or “I am thinking of you” is often enough.
Be patient. Grief takes time. There is no exact timeline for feeling better. Some days will be harder than others, such as birthdays or holidays. Continuing to offer support, even after many months, is very important.
Respect beliefs and traditions. If the family has religious or spiritual practices, you can support them or participate if appropriate. Otherwise, a simple symbolic gesture, like lighting a candle or sharing a memory, is also meaningful.
Remember the child. It is good to remember the child’s name and not be afraid to say it. This shows that the child’s life mattered and will not be forgotten.
What loved ones should not do after the loss of a child
Don’t minimize their pain. Saying things like, “You are still young, you can have another child,” or “Time will fix everything,” can be painful. Every child is unique and cannot be replaced.
Don’t compare their loss with other losses. Saying, “I know exactly how you feel,” or sharing your own experience of loss may make it seem like you do not recognize the parents’ pain. Every experience of grief is different.
Don’t pressure them to feel better quickly. Grief takes time. Saying, “You need to be strong,” or “You have to move on,” may make parents feel like they are not allowed to be sad.
Don’t avoid the parents. Staying away or changing the subject can make them feel even more alone. Even a simple message saying, “I am thinking of you,” is better than silence.
Don’t judge their emotions. They may cry, feel angry, or stay quiet. All of these reactions can be part of grief. Their feelings should be respected.
In summary, to support grieving parents, it is important to avoid minimizing their pain, making comparisons, pressuring them to move on or staying silent out of fear. The most important things to offer are respect, patience, and kindness.